The Grey Rock of Ages and Passive Resistance to Organized Religion

 

Once upon a time, when I was in my mid 20s, I had a close female friend who was cursed with an emotionally abusive sister. This sister was an utterly charming, charismatic extrovert who was outwardly the fun loving and confident life of every party and belle of every ball. But she also harbored a darkly manipulative side–she was completely self-absorbed and mendacious, bordering on the sociopathic. She would subtly use condescension, criticism, gaslighting, and humiliation on a routine basis to keep her victims continually off balance and questioning themselves. And she would fly into an accusatory rage to distract people from her acts of deceit when she was invariably caught in a lie. Coming from an upbringing where this was foreign to me, I could only watch stupefied as her anger and fear were deftly wielded as tactical weapons in her games of psychological warfare.

 

Like many of her toxic type that I’ve met throughout my social and work life since, my friend’s sister relied on the fact that most people are too polite and conflict avoidant to call her on her bad behavior and lies, which in turn only served to feed her growing sense that she possessed a superior intellect and ability to bend people to her will. I think everyone saw through her game, but said nothing for fear of reprisal or public outbursts. Even I just sat back and watched, as the sister flattered and manipulated nice, unwitting boyfriends, men whom she had no intention of committing to, into buying her expensive cars, gifts, and vacations, only to wring them dry and cast them aside.

 

The one person who could keep their balance in this chaos was my friend. She did not, as one might expect, achieve this by standing up to and confronting her sister––on the contrary, that would only have served to trigger explosive bouts or rage and emotional blackmail that would have escalated the situation. Plus she was a quiet, introverted type who, albeit very strong, avoided confrontation like the plague.

 

No, she unwittingly stumbled on a psychological technique, now known as Grey Rocking. Simply, Grey Rocking is the art of presenting an unemotional, stone façade to an abusive individual that you can’t completely cut out of your life. Interactions are minimized, if not to yes/no answers, to limited dispassionate responses and engagement.

 

The result? The sister could never gain a psychological foothold over my friend. For sure, she was frustrated by her inability to push her sister around, but this stalemate never triggered a backlash for lack of psychological oxygen and fuel. 

 

I bring all this up because Grey Rocking strikes me as the ideal technique when dealing with, and ultimately diminishing the power of, charismatic yet abusive and manipulative organizations and their followers, namely, those of the religious variety.

 

I’m often struck by religious nones, atheists, and agnostics who believe the key to combatting the abuses of religious organizations and people — aggressive proselytizing, political manipulation, and insinuation of their narrow values into our secular society — is to counter them forcefully with debates, protests, vigorous refutations, and ideally restrictive legislation. 

 

But the dirty secret of religion, especially aggressive evangelical Christianity that increasingly dominates in the US, is that resistance only serves to fuel its growth. From the first introduction of Christianity as a subversive cult within the Roman Empire, Christians have always fancied themselves to be persecuted. Oh to be a martyred saint who stands forever at the right hand of God!

 

And throughout the ages since, from Christianity’s spread throughout Europe in a concerted effort to lend divine sanction to autocrats and monarchs during the late Roman Empire and Middle Ages, and later adoption by even democratic governments of nation-states, this persecution complex has only grown. It now embraces not only overt hostility as persecution, but passive resistance as well. Separation of Church and State? Persecution. Governments restricting aggressive evangelism and proselytizing? Oppression. Religious pluralism? An affront to divine law and God’s will.

 

But now look at those nations who have thrown off the yoke of religion the fastest––those of Western Europe. They have done so not by banning or restricting religion, but by denying it a foil against which it can do battle. By nominally adopting the Anglican Church as the state religion, Britain has seen religion wither. Likewise Catholicism in France, Germany, Italy—though the countries remain secular, that secularism does not preclude an unabridged right to the free exercise of religion. In every case, Christianity is waning.

 

Now I’m not arguing for the US to officially sanction Evangelicalism since the highly politicized nature of US churches would guarantee a state of religious despotism driven by a zealous minority for decades if not longer. What I am saying is that the underpinnings of secularism––reason, science, and education, should be propagated and extolled as ultimate virtues, and be continually and quietly reenforced through the march of technological progress and our interactions with the religious. However, while this should be repeated ad nauseum, dispassionately and non confrontationally, as a better path, it should be done without directly refuting or antagonizing religious authorities or their adherents. 

 

Atheism, agnosticism, and nonism, should not be packaged as or promoted as just another aggressive set of “isms” and ideologies that can be seen as being set against the ideology that is Christianity or religion in general. The non-religious should engage in discussions of God, the abuses and psychopathy of the church, or theology only through following the Grey Rock method–minimal, dispassionate engagement that doesn’t throw fuel on the fire of religious fervor. 

 

Ultimately, the Rock Of Ages–the mythical source of strength or support exemplified by God and Jesus in the Christian Bible–can only be eroded through regular impact against the Grey Rock method of passive resistance.